20th March 1995 1.00am

I'm on this massive high, have been for a few days, but today, tonight, it's too much. I'm frightened, it's making me cry. I need a friend. A strong friend. I've never not had a friend before, a soul-mate type friend:
No1 - 5 to 18 years
No2 - 19 to 20
No3 - 20 to 29.

So, I suppose this is good now, 29 years and 6 months, that I'm on my own, learning to live, learning to just be. But tonight it doesn't feel so good.

It's so vast, so wide, so deep. I don't feel at the bottom of a pit anymore - instead I'm dead centre of the universe: universe / experience ground zero.

I've been swimming a lot recently. I had a jolt one day when I realised I could stretch out my arms and legs as far as I wanted without touching anything - it felt so unusual, liked I'd been caged in a, well, cage, for such a long time. It stayed with me for days. Then, on another day, I swam. Just swam. No thinking, no tension, no thoughts, no touching, no effort, nothing, just swimming. It was exquisite. But I don't know if my pleasure in it came whilst doing, or in the second when I realised I was doing.

If I feel this good now, filled with energy and joy, compassion and laughter, whilst I'm so overweight, unemployed and alone, I'm scared that, I'm not exactly sure why I'm scared.

Recurring thoughts, I've had a few, but then again.....I don't like this one. I've had it since I was 9. I dive into a swimming pool and either I dive too far or the edges of the pool move together and I end up on the other side of the pool. Or I just scrape into the pool against the wall on the other side. Very infuriating. It even happens if I go to the other end of the pool, lengthways on, it's just never big enough. If I do get in it's never big enough, it just seems so, so small, too small to swim, and getting smaller. Sometimes a clear lid comes over the top - it makes me angry.

Another one is fun, but more difficult to describe. It most often happens when I'm in bed about to fall asleep and I know how it feels, but how to describe it?
It feels as though I'm bouncing on a trampoline in outer space winding wool off my hands. (Hmm). I'm holding the wool on my hands and moving them, you know how you do when someone is winding the wool into a ball, where it's just one long string wrapped around your hands. It's the motion, not moving physically, but internally, another dimension. Like a black hole breathing, like the universe-is-the-skin-of-a-balloon thing, being blown up and let down. In, out, up, down, all together. Regular, controlled, zooming in and out, wibble wobble, like the waa waa peddle on a guitar. Like the fairground ride - four arms, four cars on each arm, going round, going backwards and forwards, inwards and out, to the edge and round to the middle and round, everything at once. And the wool is pink or brown or rust or orange or red.