19th March 1995

I can't believe he's gay! What a shocker. Not that it should make the slightest bit of difference to me. Not as though I'd ever meet him. Not as though if I did meet him he would be in the slightest bit interested in me. It really shouldn't matter at all. But I like to have a little reality in my fantasy. It's what gets me through the days and nights. I don't want reality 24 hours a day.

Apart from this it's going pretty well. Funny co-incidence yesterday about objective self-awareness. Well, it made me laugh.

I'm not quite back in my head all the time, but most of it. I can feel things coming together. Like film of a chimney-stack being blown-up, running backwards. My life is a backwards blown-up chimney stack. What bollocks.

Last night very excellent documentary about Charles Bukowski. If he hadn't been, or I didn't know he had, how would I feel today? Less sane, more alone. Sean Penn, what a poppet.

Too much to say. I can't control it.

I'm so angry about this news. I wanted him for me and even though it could never be, now it can never be.

Ides of March last week. If today was 31st December 1999 I couldn't feel any more like this was the end of one era and the start of a new one. It's a bit troublesome, but there's potential. Full of portents, portenteous. Like today - beautiful blue sky, big fluffy white clouds, hailstone. Nearly vernal equinox.

It's too immense, like Micromegas, there's something there, it's all there, I can feel it, I know it, but I can't quite see it or think it because it's too big and it won't all fit into my head at the same time.

I can see a huge eye, and I know I'm looking at a face, but its scale is too grand for me to be able to describe it as one thing. Is it God? Am I mad?

I think I've got it, then it's gone.

I feel enormous, not physically, not bad. I feel as though I could run across the universe, striding over galaxies, running fast and hard, big steps, speed, fast, hard running. Run harder. It's too small, I need to fly into infinity. I don't want to touch anything. No end, no boundary, faster, faster, harder, run, swim, fly, run. Speeding up. Swooping and tumbling slowly down, falling through the sky, falling from the sky.
Controlled, flying, slowing, coming down to land, near the ground, above the grass. Step down onto the grass. Lie down by a river, listening to the water. Trickle. Rush. Pure. Clean, fresh, refreshing. gentle warm breeze, trees with leaves, rustle. Peace.