I'm not afraid of death. Never have been. A few times, especially recently, I've wanted to not die because I'm enjoying being alive, the beauty of the world, the humour, the books, the music, the stories of the films, the look of people. Life is a senses thing. I can't understand being afraid of death. Either it's nothing, so no problem, or it's something else, and how can you not be curious to know.
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Sometimes I've felt impatient to die, to go home. To find out. Not the depressed 'I'm so unhappy I want to die' wanting to die. What's outside? What's next? Is it more of the same? Is it a communal thing? Are we atoms that are making-up something bigger? Is it all the same but on larger and larger scales? Is our universe a single atom in something bigger and the same again? Which cell is the Soul Cell?
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If we lived (like this) forever what would we do? Dying gives life meaning? What is the meaning of death? Life means nothing, death is everything.
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Do you ever get those flash pictures at night? In the dark. A bright flash of an image that's usually a face, always a different one. Looking with my eyes open, not vizualising. That scares me too. I feel uneasy afterwards as I don't want to open my eyes in case the face is really there. It's like a camera shutter, click flash, the face is there and now the shutter's closed and it's back to imagining.
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I'm trying to describe some things about me. What it's like on my side of this skin I'm in. Is it the same for you? What happens inside you? I can only see you on the outside, hear what you say, not how it feels for you. Why are we different? Are we more the same than different? Or more different than the same?
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If you could be someone else for the day, would it make any sense to you? How would you interpret what's happening? Would you do it in your way? Or their way? Would you be you or them? Would it be best to have you and them inside their body? Just you and their body? Or you as them, become then and then process the memories of being them when you are back in you again. If they laughed where you might have lost your temper would you understand why? Could you feel why? If you were yourself and in someone else at the same time, you'd be able to see how you would react to you, and you reacting to them.
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I'm going to bed. I don't want to sleep. Love sleep. Hate sleep. I want to be awake all the time, but sleeping is so beautiful and relaxing and warm and safe and comfortable. Well, both sides of it are, I assume the middle bit is too. Is that like life - before and after? Maybe it's all just a dream, just dreams in something else's sleep. Just a dream in our 'life'. Maybe real life is on both sides of this dreamlife. Is it a collective dream, or are you all mine?
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