18th March 1995

Last night I dreamt I was a squirrel.
That's not true, why did I say that?
I will be an acorn.
I fell from the tree, I think, I don't remember.

I can see the tree. I have a memory of living there.
Degrees of dead.
I need food and sleep, but that's not what I want.
I want to stay awake and be 24 hour being.
Wide, wide awake, but so sleepy.

I was so little as an acorn in a big noisy forest.
I seeped milky acorn tears at my littleness.
So small.
Such a tiny acorn.
My world is upside down.
I'm breathing all confusion.

I cuddled up to the wall for comfort.
The wall was a good wall. The wall held me close.
Big hugs, wall.
Watch me wall, won't you? Look out for me.
So sleepy now.

Nooooooo.
Where's the tree gone?
Where's the wall?
It's dark and heavy.
Too much for a little acorn. You're popping me.
Let me free.
Where's my forest gone?
So cold and damp and heavy.
I have to burst to stop the pressure.
Go away darkness.

I'm upside down again.

All gone.
It's funny.
All broken.
It tickles.
Insides out.
Warm all over.
I can feel my acorn blood.
I can feel it moving. Pumping.
Not pumping now. Trickling away.
Hot, wet and sticky.
It's nice.
I like it.
Blood in the earth, earth in the blood.

Not a little acorn now.
Don't know what I am now.
We're the earth now.
Sleeping now.
Feeding now.
Sleep and feed to grow.
Of the earth.
Moist and rich.
Mother earth.

There's the rain, there's life.
Let it rain.
Chemical rain.
We need a seed.
I cede, you cede.
Suck, cede, to succeed.
We are the seed.
I was an acorn.