22nd March 1995 9.45am

I woke up feeling suicidal this morning. I don't know where it cam from. It was just there before I opened my eyes. I think it might have been the dream I was having when I woke up. I wasn't going to let you know but then I thought it would be best if I was honest, so that you know it's not plain sailing every day. Up and down but moving upwards.


I was in this house that seemed familiar but now I don't know where it was. My old boyfriend turned up and I was a bit shocked to see him, because it's not too long since he dumped me. He, we, didn't talk about us. He was in a good mood, very pleased with himself and was lounging around on my bed, on his back. It was a sort of tacky Las Vegasy room, cream, beige, gold, big TV. Showing on the TV was a film of an enormous aerobics session at a place called Court Manor. But it was higgeldy-piggledy, not in rows or time. And it was filmed from above, like from a helicopter, but it was only about twenty feet from the ground and silent.


We began to realise that all the men had once been women, and the women men. Some had just tops on, others only bottoms, or swimsuits or leotards. One of the women was so thrilled to be a man that she walked around grinning with semen dripping from her limp dick. People watched but didn't seem to be bothered. He was enthralled and while I wanted to talk he wanted to keep watching and kept asking me about it. Then he asked, "what was that place called?". I told him and said "but I don't want to go there with you" and he said "I don't want to take you" and laughed and carried on watching and laughing.


I was upset by this and sat on the edge of the bed (my bed). Around the corner I could see the clock on the video, it said 20:34 and I asked "Are you going now?" "Yes, I have to me at a gig at 9o'clock". He was meeting some people. He leapt up and asked if I knew what a gig was. I looked dumb and he explained that it was when there was a blind date, he was going to meet a new girl and was excited. He left and I went downstairs and sat on a sofa which was next to the French windows. There was a board game on the sofa which we used to play a lot with other close friends. I wrapped it in brown paper and put it on the floor in front of the French windows. I thought it might get trodden on.


A girl I knew from Uni, but hadn't seen since, came over to see if I was okay and a crystal glass tumbler full of water on the floor on the beige carpet, got knocked over. I thought she'd done it, she seemed to think I had. Nothing was said. She started to clear it up. I didn't know how to clear it up. I walked across the room to the kitchen, where a friend of hers had just done a huge load of washing up. I felt as though I should be helping, but didn't know what to do. There was red wine in all the water I tried to clear up.


Shit, there's the binmen. Damn, I've missed them. Bugger.


That's it. That's my dream. I feel better now. Quite happy again., it's a gorgeous day. I wonder if it's anything to do with me being mega upset that that actor might be gay. Not that it's at all relevant to my life, but it just seems to take him so completely out of the game and there's nothing to be done about it. And that reminds me of:
30 Dec - in happy getting married relationship with my boyfriend
31 Dec - not in relationship with my now ex
Probably. And he was a bit of a homophobe (doesn't that mean he sounds like something else?). Me? I don't know. Have had a few sexual encounters with other women, but no relationships as such. I wasn't that keen, but it doesn't feel uncomfortable to find a woman sexy and I'd like to try again now I'm older. I can see why "America reacted with stunned silence to the news that...." That's how I feel. There's nothing to be said, it's nothing to do with me, but I'm speechless. Out of the game - my game. I can't let go of this and it's bugging me that I can't.