21st March 95 8pm

Don't worry - you're going to be okay - it will be alright, you'll be fine, don't be afraid. There is nothing wrong with you now, I want to hold you, to touch you and kiss you. I don't care who you are, you have to know that it's really okay. I want to love you so much. I can't make you believe it, can I? I know it has to come from within you, like all the other stuff, but I want you to know it, to find it out, so much.


Try to believe it, concentrate, think about it, imagine there's nobody else, just you alone on the planet. Everything works perfectly, everything else stays just as it is, except no other people. What do you do? Where do you go? What do you want? How do you feel? Not the lonely, sad scared bits, but how do you feel about yourself? You're not good, bad, fat thin, right, wrong anymore. There's no-one to compare yourself with so you just are. You don't have to judge yourself any more, what's the point? Where's the standard? It's just you doing what you want to do. Being where you want to be. Feeling how you feel. No rules, just freedom. Would you lose weight? Susie Orbach told me I would. And I'm finding out that I believe her. Why? Because it doesn't matter anymore.


Assuming everything stayed just as it is, no decay, self-filling shops and power stations working by themselves etc why would you need to go and get 2 tubs of ice-cream and a treacle tart and two bags of Quavers and a packet of chocolate digestives and take them home and lock the door and stuff them all down? Nobody is there to know, or care, or tell you not to do it, or laugh, or scold or anything. It's up to you. Have it if you want it. It doesn't matter. Have it, hide the warppers and go back for more, much more. Why not? There's nobody else anyway to say or think anything about it. It's no big deal, it's not a problem. Next time you go to the shop you could just as easily eat it in the shop - nobody is going to know, there is nobody to know. Have 3 or 4 cartons of ice-cream, eat all the cakes you want to eat, have sex with the chocolate right there on the floor, rub lovely double cream butterscotch and toffee flavoured melting ice-cream all over your hot naked body. No rules, no criticism, just you doing what you want to with all the food in the world, whenever you want to, wherever and however. Why not if you want to? There is no-one else to interfere or to know. It's up to you.


There are no gods, no people, no heaven, no hell, nothing, just you alone on earth. Everything works, planes and cars will take you wherever you want to go, just tell them. The shop selling everything and always full is just down the road, or around the corner, behind those trees, over that hill, not very far away. There's no time, just movement, nothing to rush for, everything is there for you. What do you start to wish for? People? Knowledge? Biscuits?


If you could choose to have one other person, real or of your own creation, with you, would you? Would that be good or bad? Would it make you worry that they might comment on your physical appearance? Do you want to rush to the shop? Would you think, "what if They get fat"?


What do you think? Why? Why is it different to have complete total freedom of access to every food you want whenever you want it when there's nobody else on the planet? What's the difference? Is it different?


Does it matter if the other person is fat or thin? Very fat or very thin? If they were just unclassifiable? Mediocre, perfect? If they wanted cake, not salad the first time you ate together? What would you think? Would you notice? Would you notice the twelfth? Sixtieth? Would you think more or less of them for it? Would it be forgiveable or unimportant?


If, everytime you went into all the other houses and tried their clothes on and they always fitted pefectly, or all the shops you went to stocked only clothes that fitted you perfectly, and all the mannequins were the same size as you, and all the photos in magazines were of people the same size as you - would it make any difference? What? Why?


If the other person ate just what they wanted when they wanted and always stayed the same size and shape, would you risk doing that too.


Do you know why you don't do that anyway? Do you have fear and anger energy that you don't know what to do with? If you make a place for yourself where you could always go and scream it out, or write it down, would it help?

If the other person said they felt angry or scared how would you feel about them? Is that how you react to yourself when you are angry and afraid? Would you tell them how you felt about them feeling that way? Or run to the shop? Or run to the place where you can let it go?


Is it difficult to talk about food or eating for very long without turning the topic onto relationships and emotions. Tricky business relationships. Forget everything, start from scratch and be yourself.


HOW? I knew this girl once, a real stunner. I don't know what she thought of me but I thought she was a beautiful, gorgeous, slim, charming, manipulative, two-faced, insincere, foxy little bitch. She was a mess, like me. All over the place. She did people, mostly men, and drugs. I did food, not so glamorous. One day she broke down in the kitchen, there were about half a dozen of us there, all female, and we all talked about how hard life can be. She said that she didn't know how to have real relationships with people. ' I don't either' I thought. "Be yourself" the others said. "HOW?" we both cried out together. 'What do you do or say? How do you act?'. There's nothing really there, only pretending. Always pretending something.

But there is something there, confusion. Helplessness.

'Deep down under this hurt I think I'm cool and vivacious so I act cool and vivacious, but that's trying to be cool and vivacious, not being cool and vivacious'.

'Be what you are', "be confused and helpless?". Say it - I am confused and helpless. I can't I'm too proud. Too scared. Stay like that then. There's no other way out. You are you and you have to admit it. I am me. not what I want to be but what I am. You won't let yourself be anything else until you are you. I feel absolutely empty. I'm confused. I need help. I'm angry. I'm hurt. I'm lonely and afraid.


If you want to get from A to B, it helps to start of at A. Trying to get from A to B by starting at C is not getting away from A, it's taking it with you. It gets messy and mixed up and heavy and laboured.


If you don't start from A you'll end up at Z with all the alphabet of letters on your back, and around your waist and in your pockets and on your head and under your feet. Stop, sit down. Have a cup of tea. Take a deep breath and havea look at yourself, see yourself as you are, not how you want to be. Tired and weary and exhausted, it's not surprising dragging all these not yous everywhere with you, all that extra weight.


Stop right here and now, just for a moment, or a year. How do you feel? Who are you? You're just you? That's not so bad. What do you do? Do you want to stay like this? Do you want to be someone somewhere else? Doing things in a different way? Start with exactly where and who you are now. Get that clear first. Look at it, examine it, touch and feel it, accept it, love it, be it. Laugh. Carry on, let it go, feel it going, be whatever's next.

I'm trying.



PS 12.05am the next day!
I know I'm not completely insane because all the time I was apathetic and past caring I still crave dthat big blond shaggy haired tanned laid back dope-smoking chilled out surfie boy to listen to Pablo Honey with .