Who gets fat?
People.
Which people?
Those who think about food.
Who doesn't get fat?
People whose bodies do the thinking for them.
Mind?
Yes body.
I need tomatoes and chocolate
Ok
= not a fat person
It still feels very scary. Susie Orbach says it's right. No restrictions. Scary. It's happening though. Slowly and steadily. I'm losing weight now. Like never before. It's too easy.
I had steak and kidney pudding the other night, with chips, because that's what I wanted, and still, because I'd had salad, albeit willingly, all week. When I got it home I felt almost too sorry for it to eat it. Not thought, felt. It wasn't the wrong food, or bad or evil as I'd always thought. It was just steak and kidney pudding and chips and I ate it and I enjoyed it and I felt full. But not that 'I ate steak and kidney pudding and chips and you couldn't stop me because you didn't know so fuck you' full. Not even, 'it's inevitable and I'll stop doing this tomorrow'. Just 'hmm, that was lovely', what shall I do (not eat) next?
I've almost got there with biscuits. I used to have 2 sandwiches, and 2 bags of crisps and an ice cream Mars bar and an ice cream Crunchie and a Kitkat and a flake and a packet of biscuits for lunch.
I was bingeing, but thought I was just eating lunch. If you'd asked me if I binged, I would say with total honesty and sincerity, 'oh no, I don't do that'. I was totally shocked when I realised one day what I was doing, that that word #bingeing# applied to what I was doing : 0
I thought it was just lunch.
Oh well. I probably had more than that some days. Asking me to eat less than a whole packet of biscuits in one sitting would have been like asking me to <
Now I'm eating them 2 or 3 at a time, over a few days, putting them back into the cupboard in-between time and leaving them there.
I even had half of one the other day, decided I didn't really feel like a biscuit and put the other half back. It makes me want to cry with relief, disbelief and happiness just writing that.
I'm not brave enough to try this with chocolate biscuits yet, but Rich Tea and Arrowroot are my stabiliser training beginner biscuits. I can do these.
And since I started writing I haven't wanted to eat ice cream at all. How did I do it? Eat all that, I mean. One litre of ice cream (two really, but I'm not admitting to that), 2 packets of biscuits, two bags of crisps for an afternoon snack. After lunch. After a breakfast of 2 bowls of cereal, 4 slices of jam and toast, 2 cups of tea with milk and sugar. Throw in 3 packets of extra strong mints, 2 litres of Coke (Diet), and twenty Marlboro lights and it's nearly time for dinner. Kebab and chips, or curry and rice or (note the ors not ands) chinese, pizza, McyDs. Hot milky chocolate at bedtime. Then, snacks....
I went to see this professor at a big London hospital. Not helpful. He suggested I get my boyfriend to take away my cash and credit cards, or to chain me to a radiator, or to build a set or iron bars into the doorway to the kitchen too small for me to get through. He showed me a photo of someone's kitchen doorway, someone who had done that. Chain to a radiator with a chain, to a radiator, while he was out at work for the day. There's no denying that might work.
He also said 'just drink milk'. I took part in his study to see if just drinking milk would help, by day 2 I was mixing every milk drink with sachets of hot chocolate, by day 3 there was no day 3.
Healthy way: feel hungry, think food, eat food, stop.
Unhealthy way: think about food, eat, think, eat, eat, think, think, eat, think, eat, eat, don't stop
I'm going swimming now. I'm looking forward to it, except it's Monday. The worst day, full of people who are thinking 'it's Monday a fresh new start. It's going to be ok'. Tuesday is better. Thursday is the best day, by then it's close enough to the next week that people are thinking, 'It's too late for this week, too close to the weekend, I'll start again next week, on Monday'.
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