20th March 1995 12pm

Yesterday was like sitting in a quiet place when 2 orange Tango men appear, one on either side and one shouts YES, the other No at the same time. My head is still buzzing, thoughts funnelling, bustling, jostling, pushing to get out. I can't hold onto one thing for very long. My body feels better though. Almost still. Still a bit twitchy. A little bit of weak current still sparking, dully, here and there, fizz, running through then out. But much better.

Where has all that energy gone? It used to go in eating. I'd eat hard, shop for food hard, stuff it all in. Quick, hard and secret. Disperse that energy, diffuse it, expend it. Eat it all up.


What is it about music that touches me, us? How does it work? Why do some sounds make us cry or whoop with pleasure? Where's the point that the sound, vibrations and the emotional response meet? What happens there? Why? Why does it make us want to dance? Twanging that emotion. How can an idea make me cry? It's not real. Is there an essential truth? I'm so confused. I need to get a job. Photocopying. A dull job, numbing. I can't handle all this thought and emotion. It needs damping down, I need a bit of plodding.


I get weighed today - once a week, at Boots on the public scales.


I feel so dumb and stupid. I know nothing and find it embarrassing. All those dead souls in heaven listening to all my thoughts and watching me and laughing because I've almost got there and then, I'm sure I've got something and then, poof! It's gone and I'm left with an empty head again. I read this thing about not giving up. I don't know what stopped me every time, killing myself. What was it? It's not over till it's over. This thing said, don't give up because you never know when one more day or one more hour would make the difference, you might be just one more step from your goal. What's my goal? I don't know.
Losing weight?
Trusting my body?
I think too much. Thinking is a tricky business. Exquisite delight. Pain and torment. Too much thinking. Doing is better. Feeling and doing. Experience is flatter than thinking. Think about it and it's complicated.


Do you know "Iron" in "The Periodic Table"? I recognised him immediately. As something alien to me. Someone I could never be. I couldn't feel it. Just did and was. How? How do you be sure and stable and certain? I don't know.