20th March 1995 did I really 'really' believe in God?

Here's one I prepared earlier - as found - not edited. There was no date on it but I found it with a letter marked 18th Feb 88 and I think it's from the same sort of time.

Shit. I've just re-read it and I'd forgotten I'd ever felt like that., it's sort of a junior version of now. Maybe not, maybe it is different, I can't decide. I feel a bit depressed and embarrassed by it now. I hadn't read it since I wrote it, although I knew where it was. There's some other stuff floating around too, I must find it. I'm stalling. I have met a lot of people who feel similar since, I thought I was special because I hadn't met enough people. Justifying and stalling....
(But I have to say I am very embarrassed).


February 1988
"Cry quietly darling, Mummy might hear you. If she did then you'd have to explain why you're crying and she doesn't love God anyway, so she wouldn't understand that you really, really, really hate him.

I wish I didn't have to believe in God. I've tried not to, by saying, at nighttime, 'Okay then God, if you exist, prove it, show me, give me a sign that I will recognise straight away and think, um, yes, God really does exist and he's listening, and then just as I think I can comfortably forget about him, something will come on TV and I'll know it's God for me. Or I might think, 'Oh, for God's sake, it's just a coincidence'. So I'll ignore it. But even as I'm writing this, even though I know it's blasphemous, God has just thrown a little beetle onto my bed and it was lying on its back and going to die and so I had to save it by throwing it out of the window. And now God keeps trying to divert my attention by making it sound as though it's raining outside, which is one of my favourite things, listening to the rain. But it's not raining at all.


Mummy's come upstairs again so I have to be quiet, I can't scream, swear or even cry because I'm in someone else's house, not my own, so I have to play by someone else's rules, Mummy's rules. Then my favourite record comes on the tape-recorder and distracts me and God has made my passion die down and I don't want it to, because it's all I can do. I've done everything else and lost interest. I'm so extremely bored. The only thing I can do now is to make my emotions entertaining. At least that's what I think I'm doing. I can't play with anyone else's emotions tonight.


I have to try to make myself feel able to conquer the world until I really believe I can do it. Either by making the most money or by making everyone else wake up and realise that they are ALIVE, when really all they are doing is existing. I want to help, I want to be responsible for making things better, to be the person who woke up the world.


Or else, convince myself that I want to be dead that very moment.


And I lie on my bed and scream silently with my arms outstretched and tears making my hair wet and my whole body shaking and really truly wanting to die at that very moment and begging God to show some mercy and let me die, but he never will because I'm supposed to be here - suffering. Perhaps, I do everyone else's suffering for them because I'm one of the only ones who can really feel any emotion. Maybe that's what my purpose in life is, to suffer for others who don't know how to live I'm not very good at practical living, but I don't think there are many people who can feel and understand emotion as well as I do. They just feel a little bit fed up because things aren't quite how they want them to be - but they can't really understand how powerful emotion is, unless of course, something big happens, like a death, or a birth, or marriage or rejection. But then that's easy, it's chemical, so it's cheating.


Pure emotion is like nothing else in the whole wide world, and you can create it, either way. You can hurt so much at the futility of everything, the pettiness of people who patently don't have a clue what real life is like. Do you know what it feels like to live life on another level? Probably not. I think it's like God gives you a shot of Golden Heroin without you knowing and suddenly he will point something out to you, maybe on TV or when you look out of the window, or it's a book, or a piece of music and then that's it, you're gone - Wee! You feel higher and higher and then your brain suddenly moves up a gear and you don't think anymore, you realise and you know, you have revelations and things become clear and you can do absolutely anything. But the sad thing about that is that you can only do it in that other really real world, not in this one, because in the other, real world the people are yours, so they do what you want them to and react how you want them to .


In this practical, physical world though you can't live like you can in the other world because nobody else is really alive. There's no enthusiasm. I wish God could give everyone this sort of mental heroin all the time - then I wouldn't need it, I could just be carried along with everyone else's euphoria. Then everyone would love each other obsessively and care passionately and we would all be content with the least amount of material stuff, but would probably end up with the most because we'd share everything all the time, without being frightened of losing things or having them broken or stolen or damaged as all the real stuff that would be worth having would be in us.


I wish I could find one other person like me who would let me love them as I really have the power to, but people don't like to be loved that much. Maybe I have all the extra love in me, the love that some others don't have within them, as well as the suffering. Most probably they're the same thing, which would not surprise me at all because, oh, I can't be bothered....


But when that injection wears off you have to try to feel like that again, because it's so boring having to be dull and lifeless and useless again and then that makes you unhappy and then you think that God is playing tricks on you, and making fun of you and laughing at you. He's got a swimming pool full of his special stuff and he won't let you have any. So what do you do? You pretend that you don't need it and you can do without it, and you try silently to feel that high. to be real, again.


Sometimes it works a little bit, but it's so fragile when you do it on your own, so volatile, it comes and goes and it gets more and more difficult to remember how it felt. I mean you can remember what it makes you think and want to do, but you can't get the feeling of it back. It's like riding on the back of a motorbike at speeding along at 100mph and you love it. Or, right at the edge of the ocean, or at a pop concert - when you just forget that you physically exist and just feel, become the emotion. Most people call it excitement, but that's how it is just to be alive, when I'm real.


Then you can't get it back and you feel yourself getting worse and worse and falling out of that world, so now you're on the same level as everyone else and it kills you and you don't feel special anymore and that makes you more unhappy and because you've been floating along without any effort, everything becomes heavy, laboured, it's physically hard work to be alive and then it starts to hurt and it's like when you're very, very tired, but someone won't let you get into a nice warm, comfortable bed. Although you can see it just in front of you, you can't reach it because someone is holding onto your belt from behind, and you can't take it off because you're straining forward so hard and you can hear them laughing and saying "No, don't go to bed, you'll be alright again soon", which you know you won't be unless God can help you out with the stuff. God, I really really hate him then.

But, really, inside you, you know that it's worth it, because you never believe that the next time God gets his trusty needle out, that you will let it all slip away - You believe, you have faith in him, and I do as I'm writing this, that next time you will feel like that forever and that you will get lucky and everything will come true for you. You will be able to dream anything and given enough time your physical body will catch up with the real life that's been going on in your head. Then everything will be worked out and you won't need God anymore at all.


But another thing is that no matter how you feel, you ALWAYS know that you are being watched, by God, by angels, by dead people in heaven, who all know all your thoughts so you can't plan properly because you can't have private thoughts."


Still 20th March 95 11pm
Does this make me mad? I think I might be, or might have been. I don't feel it but that's a bad sign, isn't it? That I feel sane. I can' t be, can I?


This is ridiculous, there's nothing wrong with me. Maybe I'm a paranoid manic depressive, maybe not! Reading that made me feel as though I am. But I don't feel it now. I'm not so different from other people am I? You recognise some of this don't you? I'm not alone and I'm ok. Shit.


Questions calm me down. Do things have colours? Garlic prawns taste electric blue, have to be. And pain, sharp internal pain is lime green.


If I feel a bit stressed I sometimes have an internal shower. You imagine you go into a pitch black room and stand in the middle, in the darkness. Then a long slow shaft of bright, blue, white light comes down around you from above, changing from opaque to clear light and back. Clean light without a colour or source. Just clarity in the darkness, all around and through and rinsing through you, gentle, pure and positive, flowing down and around from head to toe, slow, sure cleaning. Cleansed and relaxed step forward and open a door, walk out into a fresh green summer meadow. Warm sun, cool breeze, soft wet grass. Cool, clear and bright. Lovely. Stress all gone.


Elixir - Golden rarefied honeyed yellow nectar - peach juice - melon juice - pumpkin juice - white rum - lime juice - coconut milk - lemongrass - saki - champagne - brandy - honey - cloves - banana - cinnamon - white truffle - chestnut horses on sun-drenched white sandy beaches - dark blue water - sea green trees - a hammock - tennis on the radio - gin and tonic ice and lime.
This is how I feel tonight.